"Way Better Than Doing Stuff At Work"
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Category: Business
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
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A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back there were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a note saying, "Use more soap on underwear."

This went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained, and the man sending the note, "Use more soap on underwear."

Finally the laundry came back with a note from the laundry man:

"Use more paper on rear."
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A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.
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Letter of Recommendation

Dear Sir or Madam;

While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high ac . . .
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If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16 of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the deposit, you would have $214.

Clearly, the best investment is to drink heavily and recycle.
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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You se . . .
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's gr . . .
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These are actual warnings given on various products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON . . .
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A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappered in . . .
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The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number...

When someone picked the phone he said, "I'm don't feel like working today. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I'll just sit around and read the paper?"

"Do you know whom you are talking to?" the other side asked.

"No." he replied.

"You are talking to the director of this company!" . . .
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