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Category: Animals
A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"
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Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back?

last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana.

I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception

Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap

Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you
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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you dolt!". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still . . .
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a . . .
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A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop a . . .
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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, &q . . .
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A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".
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Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:


1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.

2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.

3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.

4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.

5. After your wedding, you . . .
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A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Jee . . .
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Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?
A: "Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom..."

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
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