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Category: Money
How To Save Money By Changing Your Own Oil

1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. < . . .
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers . . .
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A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.

Some days later, a . . .
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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
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A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps . . .
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A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."

The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of t . . .
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This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in a . . .
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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all tha . . .
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A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church." . . .
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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I
can't remember when I've been that
drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is
missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this
angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for
the autopsy.
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